Excerpt: The Replicants by Gerry Burke

About the Book:



Planet Schmoo is so far into outer space it is the last stop before heaven. When a cataclysmic seismic intervention decimates their world, the Schmooans look for refuge on Earth and a continuation of the lifestyle to which they are accustomed.

Homeland security agent Calvin Swift and his girl-friend, the alluring Alicia Angelico, already have their hands full with interstellar visitors. The once-in-a-millennium Intergalactic Games are in full swing and now they are alerted to alien refugees and their potential to replicate at will.

From the first splashdown in the Hudson River, the visitors also make their presence felt in France, Switzerland, Indonesia and Mongolia. These creatures are smart, inventive and very athletic, and when their intentions become obvious, even President Daphne Doolittle is at a loss. She doesnt know what to do.

This fast-moving humorous narrative pits the superior intellect of the aliens against the gritty determination of one man and his lady, with a little help from his British counterpart, the suave MI6 agent, Bulldog Bartholomew. With the fate of the world at stake, who else would you turn to?

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Featured in Feb/Mar 2017 Issue: Crossover Edition

The Zolt was Planetarium Corporation’s last commissioned space cruiser. The manufacturer had promised a state-of-the-art people mover and lauded its sleek dart design which would provide maximum energy diffusion and propulsion.

Commander Jerome PBX5 was in charge but, as we take up this story, Chief Navigator Po was supervising the control deck.

The Zolt had only been on its mission for fifteen thousand light years but to Schnikle Po it seemed like an eternity. He was half way through the paranoia shift and the navigator was stuck with notorious bumble brain, Vinicus Ah, a competent pilot but a one dimensional conversationalist. The pilot’s prognostications on this occasion related to the new comfort girl attached to the Superior B passenger unit.

“I’m sure she likes me, Schnikle. I saw all four of her bazookas light up when I smiled at her. Those transparent uniforms don’t hide much and my tentacles certainly responded.”

The rise of the machines, thought Po, who was amused by his friend’s enthusiasm. Ah and the girl were both robots and they were not programmed for emotion. Nevertheless, he didn’t like to deflate the pilot’s opinion of himself, especially as it was common knowledge that all robots weren’t created equal. 

 “Let’s talk about your love life another time, Vinicus. The approach to planet Earth is rather tricky and I need you to look out for unidentified flying objects. These earthlings may have heard of our athletic prowess and try to impede our arrival.”

In point of fact, the earthlings were looking forward to welcoming the athletes from Planet Schmoo. The Intergalactic Games were held every millennium and Earth was the host planet. However, this was the first time an invited participant had traveled so far to compete and, quite frankly, little was known of these aliens except that they were supposedly very athletic and quite intelligent.

Imperial Grand Master of the Intergalactic Games Ronald Hump thought it would be a good idea to have a few marching girls on hand for their arrival. You can’t go wrong with marching girls.

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